He is gone.

[Zeeboe]

Since I was 12-years old, I've always been a very depressed, unhappy person. But then in 2006, I became a Christian and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. But towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose faith. I was always trying to be the perfect Christian, I went to a church but never joined one and got frustrated whenever life didn't go my way and only saw the negative that is in religion. I eventually got burned out on religion and now I am how I used to be: An unhappy, lazy human being who is always sad or angry and is an atheist at heart.

Please pray that Christ forgives me for all the things I did to Him after all He did for me last year and comes back into my life.

[God'sGeek]

My friend...if you go to Confession and you are truly sorry...you are FORGIVEN.

God Loves You. Please speak to a Dr about Depression and do make an appointment to talk to your Priest. They are only too happy to help.

Reach out my friend. Christ Loves You and wants you to be happy. Do NOT let satan hurt you with your past.
The very fact you are here proves God Loves You.
Trust in HIM.

[Veritas1]

Since I was 12-years old, I've always been a very depressed, unhappy person. But then in 2006, I became a Christian and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. But towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose faith. I was always trying to be the perfect Christian, I went to a church but never joined one and got frustrated whenever life didn't go my way and only saw the negative that is in religion. I eventually got burned out on religion and now I am how I used to be: An unhappy, lazy human being who is always sad or angry and is an atheist at heart.

Please pray that Christ forgives me for all the things I did to Him after all He did for me last year and comes back into my life.

Dear Zeeboe................Over and beyond what we may feel. Over and beyond our concepts and what we think. Over and beyond all these things is the God Who Is...........and has revealed Himself as always Faithful and Trustworthy - a God of Loving Mercy and Compassionate Understanding. God never changes - not ever.............however we can and we do, but what we feel and what we think, cannot one iota, one jot alter God's Loving Compassion for us in every way. We do tend to think and feel that God alters with our thoughts and feelings.........He never does.

My advice would be to have talk with Father in Confession or make an appointment to have a talk with him as you are experiencing a spiritual crisis that needs to resolve. At the moment, I think you are "stuck" and in a negative place.........you need to refind Peace and Joy in Christ and may need spiritual direction to refind that place in you - it is still there. For whatever reasons you have abandoned that place and need guidance to refind it......to refind Christ who is still very much in your life, loving you with great compassion.
We need to insight and feel comfort and consolation in the fact that all lives do go through crisis of some degree or other at some time - and perhaps now and then to varying degrees through the whole of life and this is one reason Christ gave us our priesthood...........for spiritual direction. "Feed my lambs, feed my sheep".

Keeping you in daily prayer............Blessings and with Peace and quickly............Barb
JMJ

[LimaBean]

Dear Zeeboe,

You have received some great advice from God'sGeek and Barb.

I want to remind you that our God is one constant love and forgiveness, and ALWAYS ready to welcome you no matter what.

You are in my prayers.

[Quomodo]

Dear Zeeboe,

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and the Blood, Soul and Divinity of your dearly beloved Son our Lord Jesus Christ in atonement for our sins, and those of the whole world.

For the sake of His Sorrowful Passion have mercy on us and on the whole world

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Do you ever sit and listen to the CD?

maurin

ps, I'm still praying for you

[adorer]

Dear Zeeboe,

I recall one of your previous threads and I know that you have been struggling for some time now.

Always bear in mind that Jesus does not need to come back into your life, because He has not left you. Remain open to Him, call upon his Name continuously and He will give you the peace you seek---even if only momentarily. Know that periods of peace and vivid moments of faith will come and go in your life, but God remains constant.

Please find a good spiritual director to help you work through your doubts and fears. Also, if the first priest you encounter is not very helpful, seek another. It is not wrong to do so. At this point in your spiritual journey, you need good counsel.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Your sister in Christ,
adorer

[KAREN28377]

Reading this post. I thought to myself. He is still with you and you are still with him. The evidence is in what you wrote. The fact that you think about him, that you came to this website, and asked him to come to you. He is there. He never leaves. We all have doubt sometimes especially when times get hard. Its normal. You will feel close to him again. May the Holy Spirit be with you.

[CCF_Deborah]

Since I was 12-years old, I've always been a very depressed, unhappy person. But then in 2006, I became a Christian and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. But towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose faith. I was always trying to be the perfect Christian, I went to a church but never joined one and got frustrated whenever life didn't go my way and only saw the negative that is in religion. I eventually got burned out on religion and now I am how I used to be: An unhappy, lazy human being who is always sad or angry and is an atheist at heart.

Please pray that Christ forgives me for all the things I did to Him after all He did for me last year and comes back into my life.

Dear Zeeboe,

You and your family have remained in my prayers. As I read your post this morning, I wondered, since you listed yourself as Methodist on your profile if that was the particular church you went to when you decided to become a Christian. I wondered what "becoming a Christian" really meant to you.

If it meant that you were touched in your heart in some way by Christ, and you wanted to follow Him, that is a wonderful Grace from God, but it is only a beginning. I hope you have a Bible and that you have read at least parts of the New Testament. I would suggest you return to prayer and seek to know Christ through His Word, and listen to Him as He teaches His first disciples how to follow Him.

adorer is correct in saying that God has not left you. Veritas also has pointed out that God remains faithful to us even when we have not been faithful. Have you looked into the possibility of the Catholic Church as the One True Church? Every group of persons who claim to follow Christ as Christians will be imperfect because we are all human and bear the consequences of Original sin and our own sins, but Christ found only One Church.

For over 2000 years, the Catholic Church has welcomed sinners and has helped them to become saints. St Augustine was a young man who made many mistakes in his youth but he became a great saint. His words have encouraged many. He wrote: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee". I hope that you will pray to the Lord to bless your ears as you listen to the words of Jesus in His Gospel and that God will bless your heart. May His word sink down deep within you, so that you may hear His truth and do the truth you hear.

Each person makes choices which can lead to happiness or unhappiness. You remain in our prayers that you may choose to return to God as the prodigal son returned to his father, and all heaven and earth rejoiced. Perhaps you can begin your journey anew by praying the prayer Jesus taught us, with great attention and devotion to the words. Really listen to the words and mean them with all your heart: "Our Father...forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who trespass against us".

your sister in Christ,
Deborah

[Jacafamala]

Since I was 12-years old, I've always been a very depressed, unhappy person. But then in 2006, I became a Christian and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. But towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose faith. I was always trying to be the perfect Christian, I went to a church but never joined one and got frustrated whenever life didn't go my way and only saw the negative that is in religion. I eventually got burned out on religion and now I am how I used to be: An unhappy, lazy human being who is always sad or angry and is an atheist at heart.

Please pray that Christ forgives me for all the things I did to Him after all He did for me last year and comes back into my life.

Don't stop praying, Zeeboe! You need a regular prayer time and stick to it come 'hell or high water' as they say. Every day. Prayers.

[Zeeboe]

Thank you everyone.

[natalie_xox]

When He is silent, He is listening and not abandoning.

[Veritas1]

Thank you everyone.

May The Lord hold you close and grant you every consolation .......Blessings and with Peace - Barb
JMJ

Responsorial Psalm, 2nd. July:

Bless the LORD, O my soul;
and all my being, bless his holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits.
He pardons all your iniquities,
he heals all your ills.
He redeems your life from destruction,
he crowns you with kindness and compassion.
Merciful and gracious is the LORD,
slow to anger and abounding in kindness.
He will not always chide,
nor does he keep his wrath forever.
Not according to our sins does he deal with us,
nor does he requite us according to our crimes.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
so surpassing is his kindness toward those who fear him.
(for) The Lord is kind and merciful.

[dedo]

Zeeboe:

Christ never left you. I urge you to spend time with Him. I try and start each day with some time in prayer and reading some scripture--even if its only a few minutes. Return to church. We really need other Christians.

I agree with God's Geek that if you are having trouble with depression or swings in mood, see a doctor. This may be unrelated to religion.

Also, beware of perfectionism. We are called to love God, neighbor, and ourselves. It is hard to love others if we don't give ourselves a break.

God's presence cannot be measured by our mood or feelings. Also, our relationship grows and evolves as we put effort into it. I am trying to grow in my relationship, as are we all.

You are in my prayers.

Best,

Dedo

[CCF_Deborah]

Dear Zeeboe,

You are welcome. I hope that all our prayers have helped to lift your spirit. Please keep in touch and let us know how the Lord continues to work in your life. Hopefully you are seeking Him in prayer and in the Scripture. He truly speaks to us in His Word and He assures us He works ALL things unto good. (read Romans 8:28). You and your family remain in our prayers.

your sister in Christ,
Deborah

[Zeeboe]

Hey guys. How ya'll doing? Thanks for the prayers. You are all very kind people. I sadly do not have any good news to report. Just when I thought I had finally reached the last step and giving up on this belief...here I am again but as I said, I don't have good news.

Soon after the last post, I removed all Christian related sites from my favorites, I changed my religion on my myspace, I study atheism more, I stopped saying a blessing before meals and I was ready to finally accept the fact that I was an atheist. I even started posting on an atheist message board.

Even before becoming an atheist and just having struggles with my religion...I had become a very unhappy, depressed and angry human being. I was so much more happy as a Christian.

Anyway, earlier tonight...for no reason at all, I started watching episodes of the Way of the Master on you tube and the videos spoke to me...I used to love Way of the Master...it's been a long time since I watched it..anyway....I felt good again. I thought God was speaking to me. I felt like a Christian again. I thought people prayed for me and the prayers were being answered.

Well, it's 6:00 AM, Austin, Texas time and I have been up all night. Two hours ago, I needed to talk to someone though. Over the phone and have a chat with them.

I attempted to call a few prayer hotlines. The first one I called rang forever and no one answered. The second one I called didn't have anyone available so I was told via recording to wait and I did. Then the recording came back and told me that due to all the other calls coming in, no one could talk....so I had to listen to a boring recording for three minutes with this redneck sounding guy rambling on about the bible....then I was hung up on. I thought I'd have to wait again but nope...after the recording I was hung up.

The third number I called I finally got an answer. It was the Church Channel's hotline. I was asked my name and I told the woman and she responded "Gilson??" in a strange tone of voice. I am used to people giving me a hard time about my name or responding the same way the woman did when I tell people my name but I expected Christians to be a little bit more mature and nice about it...

Anyway, I asked the woman if this was just a prayer hotline or if it was okay to talk to. She said it was just a prayer hot line a rude tone of voice like she was annoyed.

I told the women what I needed a prayer for. And then I was told to hold...and I could hear her typing and mumbling to herself. I guess she was having trouble finding the script...

She said the prayer and it all sounded like she was reading from a script...

Then she asked me about the church I went to and I told her and then she rudely and sarcastically told me maybe I needed to pay attention a little more in church.

And if I did, I wouldn't have this problem.

The atheist that is growing inside me wanted to say....

"That's what I did my whole life! And it was the nonsense they were preaching that made me lose my faith!"

But the Christian in me turned the other cheek and I just told her I was never involved in church groups and maybe I should go back and give it a try and maybe the people there can help me.

I also don't think she understood what I was talking about. She made it seem like I was a Christian who just got lazy and was tired of going to church. And I would have gladly debated with her a little and told her my concerns...even though I already said it a few times....but I felt very rushed whenever I had a chance to speak.

I talked more with her and she acted like she was annoyed by me and I could even hear her laugh and try not to laugh sometimes when I told her of my concerns.

The call ended and I don't know..she just sounded amused like she was waiting to get off the phone with me so she could laugh or something. I don't know what I said that was funny. Could it be my weird name? It's not that funny is it?

I just wanted someone to talk to. I needed help. There was no one for me to turn to. So I went to the people who I thought I could always turn to, 24 hours a day.....and I got nothing. I heard a prayer for me that has probably been said a million times and then I was treated with no respect or compassion and I was laughed at.

I tried calling the other hotlines a few more times but got nowhere.

In the end, I ended up on bended knees praying in my empty garage in the dead of the night...begging God for His help......I want so badly to believe in God...but after this experience.......I don't know. I guess haven't really let go of God yet. Despite all the evidence, I still am having trouble letting go.

I post on other boards and this is the only one believe it or not that I have been polite on. I admit, I have been angry sounding lately....but I can't bring myself to do that to you guys. You are good people.

A few weeks ago, I wanted to come on here and just rant about my issues with God....but I couldn't do that.

You people are good people and deserve respect. I am sorry for ever having the thoughts. You folks have been very nice to me and I am grateful.

Thank you all.

[KAREN28377]

Oh WoW! I am so sorry you had that experience. It really sounds like Satan took ahold of that moment in your life. Have you tried a counseling session with a priest or any one of religion? I feel if you find the right one and there are so many of them out there, they can help. If the first one treats you like they did on the phone try try again. God is there. He hasn't left you, I promise you that. Perhaps there is some kind of mental block, some fear you have that won't permit him into your head. I feel like some counseling could get what ever you fear out in the surface and allow him to speak to you again. God Bless you for not giving up though. I will pray for you as everyone else on this page is and more.

[zerosilverarrow]

brother,

Remember Jesus said. 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you'... Its just one of the trials, He's just there waiting for you to grab His hand.

[MySaintPhilomena]

Since I was 12-years old, I've always been a very depressed, unhappy person. But then in 2006, I became a Christian and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. But towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose faith. I was always trying to be the perfect Christian, I went to a church but never joined one and got frustrated whenever life didn't go my way and only saw the negative that is in religion. I eventually got burned out on religion and now I am how I used to be: An unhappy, lazy human being who is always sad or angry and is an atheist at heart.

Please pray that Christ forgives me for all the things I did to Him after all He did for me last year and comes back into my life.

let Him who is above all comfort you and may you know that He is always there in your times of despair. you might not realize it, but it is Jesus who is carrying you through your times of sadness and despair.

[CCF_Deborah]

Dear Zeeboe,

God is there with you. He never leaves us, but we are the ones who can leave Him, if we choose too. There comes a time in everyone's relationship, however, when God allows us to feel a certain lack of fervor, or a lack of consolation, a period of dryness which enables us to choose Him on a deeper level.

I believe that the reason you can't "let go of God" as you put it, is because God is not letting go of you. He loves you and desires your eternal happiness. He wants you to learn how to love Him with your whole heart and soul and mind and strength. He allows a period in our lives when we may "feel" that He is gone, only that we might seek Him even more. We learn that love includes not only joy but also the willingness to suffer for the Beloved. Jesus tells us that if we want to be His disciples we will need to deny ourselves, take up or cross and follow Him.

It has never been "easy" to be a Christian. Today's world is not any different in its hostility toward God than when Jesus suffered and died for us. We all suffer because of sin which is in the world. Jesus invites us to have courage because He has overcome the world. In Him we too can have victory and the victory is in our faith in Him.

I noticed that you still have "Methodist" listed on your profile. If you feel that your church is not helping you, you might visit a Catholic Church and speak to a priest. You may just want to go and sit in the Church and speak to Christ fo awhile. Let Him know that you want to lean from Him. Ask Him to guide you.

You remain in our prayers. I'm grateful that you posted here again. Please keep in touch.

your sister in Christ,
Deborah

[Jacafamala]

Zeeboe: Gilson is a fine name. A bit unusual perhaps, but none-the-less perfectly fine.

I do know that God is at work in your life because when you turn from Him, you have no peace. This is actually a great grace. If you were happy without Him, then you'd never search for Him, now would you? Keep searching!!!

What has you so paralyzed, I don't know. But obviously you want Christ, so we here will carry you paralyzed, on a 'mat of intercessory prayers' to Jesus. I believe that He, in His goodness will heal you and reveal Himself more fully to you--in His time. Deborah is right: through this entire struggle God is calling you to be with Himself on a deeper level. Be patient with Him, and with yourself. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[jpjd]

Zeeboe,

I think you have a yearning to talk to someone, but you just haven't found the right person. Personally, I don't put much stock in prayer hotlines. We have no idea how qualified the person on the other end is to listen and give advice, and as you found out, apparently they are not very qualified at all, and that can be extremely hurtful.

I would suggest that you find someone who you KNOW is qualified, such as a priest or minister. They would be happy to listen to you and help you. And if you don't feel a rapport with the first priest you visit, try another one. Don't give up! When my priest suggested that I find a spiritual director, he cautioned me that the first person I talked to might not work out. Sometimes people just don't "click." The point is, Don't Give Up!

And as Deborah said, you are always welcome to enter any Catholic church at any time, and just sit there and speak to Jesus. I do that all the time. Sometimes on my lunch hour or on my day off I will visit my church and sit in the pew and I'll be the only person there. I love that. And I just sit there and pray and silently talk to Jesus. That is so comforting and refreshing. I highly recommend it.

[God'sGeek]

Zeeboe, you are not the only person who suffers anxiety and depression. Many Catholics turn to St. Dymphna, as she is Patroness of those who suffer these maladies.
The good news is that with a good Dr, and a lot of Prayers and Faith you can overcome anything. Anything!
Jesus said "Do not worry..."so when I worry, and I twist myself inside out with worries and anxieties, I know I am not doing the will of God.

It's hard to let go...but please...do what myself and others and a good Kind Priest I met recently do...take it to Jesus and St. Dymphna.

I will make this journey with you, as I still suffer anxiety and each day is a battle for me. I will NOT give up though. If Jesus made me an anxious person then He must have known that it would only serve to bring me closer to Him.
That means He thinks I can handle it, and who am I to argue with the Son of God?

This weekend, at Mass, I will light a special candle just for you before the beautiful statue of Our Lady. And I will remember you and all here among my intentions at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

I am very confident that the reason you are so tempted to chuck it all in, is because you are one of God's best. Satan would not be bothering you so much brother, if you were not so special to Christ.

God Bless You Hang in there with the rest of us.

[Zeeboe]

Thank you all for your responses. I do need someone to talk to and sure, talking on message boards is good but I think I need to talk to someone live and in person.

I have been having a war inside my own brain, heart and soul lately. I have come to the conclusion that I am neither religious or atheist. I am both...and the past few days, those two sides of me have been at war with each other.

Every time I think I am ready to give up religion and become an atheist...sometimes hours later, the Christian in me is challenging the atheist in me. And it works both ways. Whenever I feel like I am ready to be Christian again, the atheist in me comes charging back.

I should also add that whenever the atheist side of me has the upper hand, I feel bad. Whenever the Christian me is winning, I feel good.

I've been studying religion, atheism and will soon be studying evolution and creationism. I have hard questions for Christians...but also have hard questions for atheists.

I've been posting on an atheist message board lately and asking some very hard questions for those guys and just trying to talk to everyone I can find. My decision about God is going to be the most important decision in my life.

As I said almost a year ago when I first began to study this subject...it could take years to know what the truth is.

If God is real, He has been telling me for quite some time now to go to his house and talk to his family members. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I cannot do that this weekend but there is always next weekend.

But please keep praying for me. I think the prayers might be the one thing that is keeping the Christian in me to keep fighting.

[jpjd]

I will keep you in my prayers, Zeeboe.

[zerosilverarrow]

I pray for you Zeeboe, but always remember. You may not see HIM, but HE is with you always and HE is strong in you, so never give up. He will never leave us nor forsake us, HE is helping us in these times.

Our God is a Loving God and HE cares.

God bless Zeeboe,